I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
