Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
