my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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