i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
