Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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