How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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