i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
