What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
