You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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