just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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