My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
