I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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