He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
