I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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