I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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