when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
