I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
