woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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