I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize