I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
