Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
