i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
