Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I need to stop coming to work sober
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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