things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
worst night to have a conscience
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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