this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
