I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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