My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
