Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
