apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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