Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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