i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
