mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
