By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
