I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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