Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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