Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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