You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My balls are so social today.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
