Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
