i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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