My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
