in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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