Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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