There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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