i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Damn victory sex feels great
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
