Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
