morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
