I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
