i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
