Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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