just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
