it hurts more in the daytime
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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