The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
