the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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