By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
