I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
