ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize