I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
