i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Ladies don't puke and tell
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
