I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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