Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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