Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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