I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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